context: after going through a break up and going into hospital, i turned into dating apps. I was tryna find serious relationship but honestly, either people were not serious there or they just weren't the type of guys I was looking for. 💀
I was not the type to do it without being in the relationship, because I grow attach to people too easily. The first time I experience fwb, it was because one thing led to another. I started developing feelings(?) for him as we texted alot but he had someone he was more interested for at that point so I let it go.
The second time, I acted rashly, probably because I was high and just suggested it for fun. We agreed on no string attach and played “try not to fall” but honestly that was a way for me to not develop feelings since I'm competitive. As I know he was a fkboy and clubs a lot, I told him that if he decided to screw another girl then he shouldn't be asking me for it since I don't wanna catch a disease.
Last guy was a one night stand which honestly made me realise I needed to stop my personal toxic behaviour such as the constant need for male validation, wanting their attentions, hoping I would feel some kind of way with whatever they were doing and of course to distact myself from my unhealed self.
1. distraction 🤔
honestly, with all those “fun” times, it was mainly a distraction to cover up how broken I was, to make myself think that I am fine and I wasn't hurt or traumatised from all that had happen to me and it was just a nightmare.
2. male validation 😔
after everything that has happened, I realise that my constant need of male validation was more of the trigger to why I have turn into this route instead
3. feeling dirty😭
personally, I am quite a conservative person myself and I would never do it with the person unless I really love them etc but because of my toxic self, I turn to it. Yes, I do feel good and all after it but after a few days when I reflect on my own behaviour regrets and guilt would pour in.
4. unhealed side
my unhealed site definetly did play a part in there. The temporary love and attention I received was like an addiction, where I constantly need it because I was so broken and let down by people
5. regrets
definetly regret doing all those things and feeling like I betrayed my body and conscious. But I definetly did not regret meeting those people who helped me learn abit more about myself 🙂
However, this is all in the past and I am moving on forward. Building myself back up piece by piece. It definetly not a phase I like but I guess I learned a but more about myself as needed🫶🏼 oh and my two fwbs they are currently dating and I'm happy for them though I decided to remove them from my instagram as a sign of respect 🙏🏼
